well.. im doing better today. writing down feelings helps.
hey trip, looks like youre some kinda god. im sorry i missed your show, but the gay peeps at freddys made me work.
bons of sitches.
anyway. air told me bout this place in wallingford. im kinda excited, although living at home doesnt seem to be all that bad.
sux for keith, but homeboy made the move first, not us.
as for manuel.. its good to finally see people blogging again, but DAMN!
alright.
making like a fetus.....

i think if situations were different, i wouldnt be so torn up about this whole thing.
if i hadnt spent day in and day out trying to make her miserable life a little more liveable.
then months later, to be told that your compassion, your love, your time, your feelings are what annoyed and upset the person you gave all these things to. that being around her too much became an annoyance to her, she didnt need or want me around.
thats her sole reason. other than feelings fade. but feelings dont usually fade from love to hate do they?
after trying so hard to salvage what friendship could be saved, im told that its all my fault. that possibly i cared too much.
look at the effect this has on a person. i dont think im well. i think months of love tossed to the curb as i watch isnt something you can easily get over. i was emotionally drained over those months, and now shes trying to take more.
theres seriously nothing left to take. i realize that i put myself through this. that i have to try to find answers. probably wasnt the best thing to do. but i just couldnt see how an about face could be done in such little time.

so now im trying to cope with the fact that not only did i drive ashleigh away from me, but that i am also causing additional and unnecessary pain by recent actions. will it ever end?

i moved away from my friends... friends that i saw so little of anyway because of different schedules. but now, i dont see anyone. and im told that you have to put effort into "getting back into the loop". well right now i really dont have the energy or will to do that, so it looks as if im fucked. you always question when you see somebody so down.... how did they let them get to that point? its all the fucking domino effect, my friends. once youre in, you cant get out. the fucking snowball.

i hope things cant get worse than this. although 'this' isnt all that bad....yet.
fuck. i seriously hope under different circumstances, if i got dumped i wouldnt take it like this. otherwise, im fucked for life.

why cant i just leave it be?
why cant i move on?
maybe its because she wants to quit me as a friend and not just a boyfriend.
maybe that has to happen so you can become friends again.
maybe its because ive been through a lot with her in a short amount of time.
because i saw her in pain. because i wanted to help.
becuase now, i fear i didnt help, i only hindered.
and thats why shes getting rid of me.
shes better now, and wants to see old friends who she didnt want to have them see what she was going through.
are those her true friends? the ones who leave her when shes in need?
why does she choose them over me?
why doesnt she want anything to do with me at all.
i hope time will help her sort things out.
i need to move on.
i thought i did.
maybe not.
maybe shes right.
but i do only want her as a friend.

i have to pick my parents up at the airport today.
then i have the rest of the day to do nothing.
im tired of always doing nothing.

what have i learned from my experiences?
you cant make people like you.
even if you state your thoughts over and over, if someones got something in their head already, it doesnt matter how much its said.

did i turn ashleigh to do what she did? to become totally ignorant of my feelings because i kept pushing to see her?
i hope shes not thinking clearly. i hope she doesnt mean what she does and says. i dont think she does.
why cant we just be friends? i guess for her its just too soon. im so impatient.
pain.

chilled with the homies tonight.. good fun.
although to me its still really sad, i feel like a weights been lifted off my shoulders. i'll miss her a lot, but i no longer need to feel the pressure that things arent right. i did all i could. theres nothing more i can do.

im still trying to get used to living at home again.
weirdness.

i believe green day has it right: "nice guys finish last".
ashleigh would rather give a birthday present to the ex-boyfriend who cheated on her, rather than to accept one from me for her birthday.
does she even wonder why i'm so hurt?
oh wait... i came by too much.. it doesnt matter.
shit.

so.. ashleigh and i may have spoken our last words today for an eternity.
its sad. we both felt that we did all we could. its just that it left me with wanting a friendship. and her with utter frustration and wanting nothing to do with me.
i did all i could. i told her how i felt. i asked questions that i felt should have answers. im sad to whats transpired, but there was nothing more to be done. so its now time to leave the thing that means the most to me and move on. im sure many have sed this... but i didnt feel it was necessary til now.
theres nothing more there. shes done. ive pushed things too far. maybe i tried to hard. but theres one thing that is for sure, and it never makes for a good relationship, and maybe why things cant be better now.... i loved her more than she loved me... she admits to it. shes still upset that i came by to help her, even when she told me to leave. thats a double edge sword though... leave and dont help, or let her get upset by staying. i chose staying... whether it be out of selfishness or not.
we part with her wishing no ill-will on me, and with me saddened, but ready to leave it behind. theres nothing more i can do. she wanted to get better on her own. i thought i could help. silly me. i still do and always will care about her. and i hope that in years to come the past can be put behind us, and friendship can ensue. its sad what its come to. a vicious cycle of me wanting to know what went wrong, and her having no answer... feelings fade. i guess. she had issues to deal with on her own.
im going to try to enjoy my weekend. forget about things. move on. its hard when i work all weekend.
i considered her my best friend. but friends dont do that. ashleigh says that friends listen. so when she told me to go away, i should have.
that may be the case, but i did what i felt was beneficial to her, and i cant change that now.
it seems like all this time i spent with her that i forgot about my other friends... thats so how it shouldnt be, but she needed my help at the time.. thats my only pathetic excuse. im so out of the loop. i feel i cant get back. but i seem like im getting a new life. i move make home, things change, im soon to go to a different school. i am moving on whether i like it or not. luckily i think i do. i cherish my friends. maybe because i only have so few hardcore ones. it hurts a lot to lose one. especially when its out of my power. i cant change her. shes set in her ways now. the thought of me to her angers her. what did i do? i tried to help. did i? possibly. so for that im glad. but sad that i cant see her happy and healthy. i guess i'll just have to live with that. i dont take back what i ddi. i helped a friend. thats what friends do. where did it all go wrong?
fuck.

first night at in a new bed. i guess it takes a while to get used to that. i got up today at my usual time. got on the freeway to absolute hell. it was blocked back for miles. all cuz people wanted to see the four cars that the cops pulled over for whatever reason. then, after that clears, up in bellevue, theres consturction, so more delay... i was ten minutes late =P. i thought i had a quiz. luckily i didnt. not only cuz i was late, but cuz i didnt study.
lets see... ive been writing. writing to ashleigh, telling her how i feel. i think this works a lot better than just trying to analyse it all her on blog. i just want things to work out. when i see her, she still feels i need that. i dont.
but whatever.
blah.

tripat. we be hardcore. thanx brah.
today is bright and shiny. i, on the otherhand, am a bit on the gloomy side. i was hoping for 3 hours of distraction, but everyone seemed to want to let class out early so we could all go play. my luck.
im not doing as horrible as previous days, but like always i have thoughts running through my head. mostly discomforting or sad.
i get through this by talking to my friends. they help temporarily, as i can only talk to them for so long, but the help is much appreciated.
another saga comes to and end. the age of our pimp house. i believe i'm leaving this house today, only to return to get my sack of water, and to give keith my last month's bills. i'll miss this house. it served us well. made for great times. i enjoyed living on my own.
now back to the loyalty and support of parents. i think hiding away downstairs will be enough to experience their love, but to not be annoyed by it. theyre great parents, but like most, theyre a bit pushy.
something came over me today. something strange. in phil of science, theres like 10 of us or so. i still never talk. so last night air and i were talking about how hard it is to just randomly talk to chix. like. "hey baby, i think youre hot, lets do something" ya know? like how do you talk to them without looking like an asshole. well.. anyway, yesterday this one chic mentioned that shes going to spain next quarter. so today as we're leaving class, i talked to her about it, seeing as how i went there a few years back... so nothing pushy, but something to talk about. too bad this could lead nowhere since shes fucking going to spain, but yeah, whatever. i finally grew balls, and thats what matters.
so i see ashleigh on aol IM as being signed off, meaning she was once signed on. i dont know why she doesnt ever bother to write me.
that or call. i know shes got her own life. but why cant/doesnt she ever make the first effort.
dunno.

i guess i should realize that putting such personal stuff on blog leaves one open to critique and evaluation.
maybe i should just stick to impersonal subjects or whimsical topics such as boobs.
writing what i do, i think, seems to help me, but maybe i could do it in a more personal fashion.
if i do recieve criticism, i'd hope it to be helpful or at least not vague to a point where i see no point.
im almost all moved out. i think i will be totally out except for maybe the sack of water i call a bed by tomorrow.
if i had internet downstairs, it would be one of the best places to live, but...
no.

so once again, shat on because i had something to say, and it took a lot of words to say it.
but i do want to say that i have come to the conclusion that i have been going about things slightly askew, and its caused a lot of unnecessary grief. i think about myself, but i dont stop to think about others dispositions. i wish simply talking things through would work, but im finding time is the best healer of all. im over ashleigh, and i think she was over me a long time ago. i dont see why there are still complications. i guess she just doesnt want constant attention, or i remind her of being sick. whatever the case, im ready to put our future friendship ahead of everything, and rarely talk to her. like call once a week, if that. i know thats a bit much, but im weening dammit! it'll get to where i'll forget to call and it'll be 3 or 4 weeks, and maybe she'll actually call me.
im still kinda depressed, but i think maybe when the stress of moving out is over, i'll be better.
way off the topic. a thing that bothers me is when i tell people that im allergic to the sun, they either dont believe me or laugh, or both.
do you think i enjoy sneezing while merging on the freeway?! this phenomena occurs when im in a dark room and come out to the bright sun glaring in my eyes. ive found that lights inside also trigger a sneeze in process, but i dont actually know if its merely just a catalyst. anyway, the other reason people laugh is when i give them the scientific acronym given to this phenomena: ACHOO.
yeah, laugh it up you bastards, but it stands for: Autosomal dominant Compelling Helio-Ophthalmic Outburst. so the fags had a little fun with the naming. but its for real. you can look it up. i've read about it and theyve sed that its hereditary. and the amount of times you sneeze from the sun is also passed down in the genes. i believe mine is two. there were cases of reported 42. damn. imagine a family reunion at the park!
*sneezes*

fate.
i dont know if i believe in it. but if its not the way of nature, then i think it is how one can look back on their life and see how different instances lead up to their demise or happiness.
yesterday i wrote about giving ashleigh space. i struggle with this, but i have set myself to doing it. although today came about a couple of swinging turns with fate that took ashleigh and my relationship from its zenith off to the wrong path, as i, at this present time, see it.
i come home and pack up the car, im going to go drop stuff of at my parents. but before i go, i think of calling ashleighs.. not to talk to her, but to her mom. the thing is, i think i have pink eye, which ashleigh had a week ago, and her sister currently has it and contracted it from her. so i call... twice, but this fucking service lady recording tells me the line is temporarily down. turns out later that keith calls me while im at my house that he forgot to pay the bills. so i decide to head over to ashleighs. again, not to see her, but to ask her mom if this itching that started on sunday is a symptom. so, my luck, ashleighs not home. so i talk to her mom some. then little zoe wants to show me how much better shes doing with her handstands. so i stick around for a bit. then her mom comes charging in saying that she herd a little meow coming from some boxes. they had a pregnant cat and thought they might have had kittens. we search around, and sure enough, there they are... all five of them. the dork that i am, i was intrigued and stuck around, i was just about to leave. so zoe gets all excited, and i admit, it was kinda cool. so i stick around. zoe calls ashleigh and tells her about the kittens, so ashleigh hurries home. i had my keys out just as she arrived.. shit.
she comes in the door, looks at me, and walks in the other direction. i tell zoe to go tell her that she can come out of her room to see the kittens because i was leaving. i leave and go to my parents. im talking to my mom, and i get a call... ashleigh does finally call me.. but its basically to say that she doesnt want me to make her feel guilty about me seeing her family, cuz theyre hers. also, just the thought of me annoys her right now. i dont know if she caught the depression in my voice during our conversation. its really hard. because sure, i shouldnt have been at her house at all... with or without her there. but she wouldnt have known if all those occurances hadnt shown. aaron sed to move on. i thought i could without not seeing her. i truely think i have. but its a two sided thing. im not depressed now because she doesnt love me, because she broke up with me. im depressed because i theres no reason for her to be like this. well. i admit. i havent exactly given her the space she wants. but i tried to do so by just leaving today, but the damage was done. probably the instant she saw my car sitting infront of the house.
shes moved on. she wants nothing to do with me. i dont see why. but theres not much i can do to change that.
death.
i dont know how many of you keep up on dans forums, but sam and i were going back and forth about living in pain, or something to that extent, at least that was my argument. so anyway, the family friend i was talking about just passed away this saturday night. his face was distorted with the protuberances of all the tumors pressing up against his brain. his eyes swollen shut, no longer able to move. hopefully sedated, i was told all he could possibly do was to hear the final words of his relatives,
"i love you, seth." he was 16. two days later, his mother sits in the backyard staring into space, talking to no one. his father. he leaves. to where? no one really knows. my parents are flying down this weekend for the funeral. i wasnt very close to this courageous soul, but i did play a lot with him when i was young. its always hard when the parents outlive their children. its against nature.
my parents and i went out to dinner. in the past day, i had only eaten a quesadilla keith made me, and a carmel egg aaron gave me. depression, ive found, makes me even more lazy. to where i wont even take care of my basic needs. although i did get up enough motivation to take a shower. although i was in my blue pimp pants for the whole day. lazy bastard.
im still a little sad to be moving out. and now all i have left at my old place is pretty much my bed, toiletries, and computer.
although i did most of my room set up downstairs. its been the only thing to go right in a while. i took my organic chem test today. i didnt study at all yesterday. recently focusing on school has been a challenge for one reason or another. when it came to mechanism, i stared blankly at the page. i get to do that again when i take my phil of science test on wednesday.
i think the thing that bugs me the most about ashleigh, is that we have a great time when we're together. i cant tell she does. but then she just randomly gets an anxiety attack or something to the sort where she can stand me being around her.. maybe its because she feels old feelings and knows she doesnt want to go there. who knows. maybe shes just fed up with me. thats more like it. i dont think i'll be talking to her much anymore. she consistantly hurts me, but i set myself up for it, so its not really her fault. i initiate everything. i doubt i let her. her mom told me she was asking about me a week ago, so i got excited and went to see her. maybe it was a bit premature even if she was excited to see me. but i feel that she thinks i still havent gotten over her. as i explained last night. she needs more space. i was planning to do that. but 'fate' had it that kittens would be born and hold me up. that keith didnt pay the bills, so i stopped by.
i guess most everyones trying to tell me to leave it be. i would think that talking it out would help, but maybe theres still too much emotion in the way, and maybe thats why she chooses to not talk to me.. i doubt it. i think shes fed up.
its sad to see this happen. i think for me it was the abruptness of her ending the relationship. in effect it was valentines night, when everything was said and done, metaphorically. she said nothing, and she didnt talk to me for two weeks after that. i was so clueless, i had bought some rice milk the next day cuz i felt bad that she had nothing to eat in the morning. that same rice milk i found in the beer fridge today and took it over with me to give to her mom.
i think i realize now that i am over her. theres no heart ache this time. (maybe the hunger pains outweighed it, but still). i think im just thoroughly depressed that someone who i (not single-handedly) nutured back to health, was the only friend to come visit her during her hard times, means nothing to her. ive been cast away ever since she was strong enough to do so. shes found her old friends and gone with them. im of no use anymore. shes better. not 100%, but she can function normally in society now. i had pain seeing her how she was. i had compassion to stick around and help her even when she was most bitter, hated the world, was depressed herself, would yell at me. i took this in, hoping one day to see how i had helped. and i did help. but she doesnt see the daily torture i went through to her her out of her own. she sees someone that wont leave her alone. someone whos mere image annoys her. someone she doesnt want to see. to i wish i could take back all the pain shes given me? no, id hate too see her back where she started. i think i now have lived the statement: 'its better to have loved and lost, than to not love at all'.its never right to look at your life and wish that it would end so the pain would. her only motivation became her mother. she put so much time in effort into her that if she was to 'leave', all her time and effort would be for nothing. through this time, ive become close with her family. just today zoe asked me how long we'd known each other. ironically, i was thinking the same thing yesterday. not with zoe, but ashleigh. it'll be a year in two months. it seems like so much longer.
i talk to maegan, her closest friend. she tells me that if she hadnt known me, shed hate me too. (speaking of tom affinity toward me, this guy ive met like once and knows nothing about me other than what complaints ashleigh had given him.) so i can see i havent helped the situation at all. and maybe she wants nothing to do with me. she was the one to say she wanted to be friends. i guess i just took up the offer a bit too late.
shes a really good friend, and i'd take her back as one in any moment. but right now, i cant keep feeling like this. she needs to make the move, which, im afraid will never happen, but nonetheless. theres nothing more that i can do.
tough times always seem to come at once. death usually comes in threes. scary thought.
but things go up and down. just read my blog from day to day.
i think i'll be happy living downstairs. its a nice setup. im afraid i'll never get visitors though. except on maybe an occasion where i throw a party or something to that effect.
but this 'fate' may throw in a change-up, and who fucking knows. i could be in europe this summer or even live in seattle by that time. im not one to look into or get excited about the future. maybe i do just like to see where things take me. spontenaity.
anything i plan in my head never really turns out as i plan it anyway. thats probably why i just decide to go with the flow.
i draw little attention to me, and its apparent. i have one friend at school that i see daily. my old lab partner. im glad to have him.
at work, i talk to my two asain friends when theyre around, and that kinky chic that likes to give head. the strangest friendship is this guy ryan at blimpies. he goes to UW, but commutes all the way over there to do psuedo-fastfood. probably because his roomate and him came from spokane, and shes the boss' niece. anyway. hes looking for a new job. it'll be sad to see him go. i only worked with the guy for 2 months at blimpies, but our friendships grown from there.
i think my depression has shone through my writing. im hoping it will be over soon when i stop thinking about things, and keeping myself busy with others.
i enjoyed the pimps and hos party. i think ashleigh did too, til she hit a wall. she gets tired easily. and she worked all day.
im planning on maybe getting a cell phone (nothings for sure) so i wont have to screen all the calls like my parents do, or have to run upstairs to tell them the call is once again someone they want to talk to (why dont you just pick up the phone!!?)
mkay. fucking weak day.
good luck to yall.
my eye itches like a son of a bitch.
out.

i think, like tripat, many of us are at these crossroads. we're getting to the end of school and have a small glimpse of what might lie ahead.. this shit is scary. ive finally come to the point in life where my first love has gone and passed me by. i'd still enjoy friendly banter and spending time together, but it seems time will have to push me along before i get to do any of that for an extended amount of time. people tell me to move on. i feel that i have. but that this person is something important to me that i dont want to lose. and right now theres still akward moments, but for the most part if our meetings are brief, it can be enjoyable. i look forward to her happiness later in life and with her sharing with me what life has brought to her. as for my own life, im a bit more of a skeptic. shes gone through the dating scene and frankly right now is a bit tired of it. i on the only hand only caught a glimpse and fear that getting a grasp on it again is so far away. my personality doesnt allow for it. i was lucky to fall into it when i could, and getting out was an arduous path. but now im back to the starting point only with a bit more widsom. as i sed, this relationship basically fell in my lap, so going out there and meeting people, i still dont know what im doing. im lost. people say that to show her that you simply want that friendship that you need to just go out and get into another relationship. people. look at me. i know im not alone, but it took how long to get what i had? and now your saying to do it again in a matter of merely a month or so? for one, i dont move quickly, and two, this implication would require meeting people. the most likely place being school. but i happen to sit in the back, or when im feeling friendly, i sit in the middle, and then it just so happens that theres a total void of people around where ever i chose to sit. probably my own fault for being so anti-social. right now, im excited that ashleighs talking to me again. but i express this joy toward her, and she feels smothered, she feels we've gotten no where. so its up to me to take yet another hiatus and just sit back and chill.. wait for her to come to me.. although this is equally unnerving because this phenomena has yet to ever occur in our whole relationship. true i have called often enough at certain points to not make it necessary for her to call me. this may not sound like im over her. but i assure you i am. i want nothing more for her than to be happy with some other NICE guy that will treat her well. unfortunately her track record isnt that well... i think thats how chix can handle non-commital... they hook up with these rat-bastards, and then when need be, they have justification for leaving them.. ashleighs mom gave another reason, but i forgot. it seemed plausible, and it made me think, oh yeah. that makes sense...
anyway. so those who are highly observant might have noticed that i edited the shit out of my blog today. its cuz keith asked me to send him this site so he could see "ode to disco stu"... i freaked out and deleted all my bitchings directed toward him. and yeah. keith, if you are reading this, i was upset that you just decided to leave me hanging.. but i think im over it now and will probably enjoy my time at my parents place downstairs for however long that might be... i think a change of scenery can be good. i was also pissed that you flagrantly kissed yer wo-man in my doorway.. hey funboys. get a room. i dont need to see that. and you shouldnt do it were i cant hide from it, so BLAH!
anyway. back to ashleigh.. weekends i find are the hardest. even when i do work, theres still so much time thats not occupied... and i want to do something with her, but shes not ready. im getting better. im getting out. i have other friends that i spend time with. im doing fine. i think the outcome of our friendship is at its zenith. it could go either way. depending on my actions and her reactions.
i believe its up to me. she doesnt want to see me once a day, or even talk to me once a day. its smothering. its giving the wrong impression. its not good right now.
wait.

ashleigh didnt slap me physically, just metaphorically speaking. long story....
anyway. i can see how dancing can be fun, but im such a hardcore white boy, that its not yet possible for me to do so.
i need to study for an organic chemistry test, but alas, other things are on my mind. it makes it hard.
im thinking by maybe tuesday, i'll be all moved out. since i wont have much to do when i get out of school at 1:30 on both monday and tuesday, and dont have to work.
i want someone to make and share my happiness. why is this such a hard thing to do?
by wanting to share emotions and feelings, i dont think you have to be romantically involved.
my room is dull and even more depressing now. i think the move might make me a bit more happy. i'll have more room, and i guess its not really living by myself. but it will probably feel like it. now i wont have any friends to see on a daily basis.
why do i share how im feeling so much on this damn thing?
as for keith... yeah, that crap pissed me off, but he gave me a ride to my car today, so i cant be mad. and maybe its just cuz i havent really even talked to him in for-fucking-ever, even though i see him, i think, every-goddamn-day.
i dont want to have to study.
suck.

fuck me. slap around she did.
why cant we just happily be friends?
why?

and did i mention that hes a cocky mother fucker with a girlfriend now?
he was kissing her right in MY doorway.
TAKE TWO FUCKING STEPS TO THE RIGHT OR LEFT!!!!
peeved.

so.. i had to get out.
neways. i went to fucking fred meyer, got my paycheck, forgot the bank closes early so i couldnt deposit my check, but damN! was it a nice check.. it was, no shit, double most of my other pay checks. simply because it was easter. i made half of the check in that day alone. and also on this check they took out $28 for union dues (bitches), but i was still seriously impressed. ok.. enough of my gloating.
so i ran into ryan who was working there and he was just about to get off work, so i invited him up to blimpies... we get up there, and the lazy bitches that work there make me make my own fucking sandwich and ryan's. but, it was free, so who the fuck cares? he thanked me profusely and i went on my way down to half price books, where ashleigh works, just cuz i was goddamn bored and had nothing better to do. i get there, and shes got like 10 mins to get back from her lunch (she goes home on her break)... so, the nerd that i am, i go up to the science section and check out archaeology astronomy and biology... they got some cool shit though. and ashliegh sed she'd hook me up, she gets half price on these half priced books! k.. back to the story. so im coming down the stairs, and i see her... she looks up, sees me. smiles.
it makes me feel so happy to just see her.... but now that shes happy to see me again, i smile even bigger...

moving day.
luckily i dont have that much shit. i feel for keet and air. realistically, they probably have about 5 times as much stuff as i do.. each.
i've got most of my non-essential shit back home. so i figure another carload. two if im unlucky. the major pisser will be draining the bad and hauling that bitch over.
i havent had much to write about lately. but i do know that frisbee golf is the shit! and buffoonery will continue on tonight. i cant fucking wait. my pimp duds came to about $17, maybe?, but i think its worth it.
im so excited that ashleighs coming. i just hope that everyone will accept her, cuz i have told people what she did to me, but it should be even easier for them to get over it than it was for me... if they even cared at all....
i dont know how im going to act around her.. she knows that i'll most likely be drinking.. and we're only friends.. this could be a recipe for disaster... who knows. but she doesnt drink, so she can easily slap me around if needed. im still really excited that shes coming!
she wants to meet my friends and do stuff with me... its great!!
the only shitty thing about moving back home will be that i have to go upstairs to play on the computer. i'll have to work it out where i can get shit goin downstairs.. what a pain.
its a nice fucking day, and i dont have a damn thing to do.. ashleighs working til 10:30 and all the shit that i wanted to move is gone. so im just staring at my blog wondering what i'll type next.. i still want to talk about wrestling. but that day isnt today.. some other time.
ah fuck it. im just boring people now.
im gunna make like a fetus and head out.
late.

another buffooned night?
matt and wank kiss. twice.
nuff sed.
fags.

note to self: read others blogs and forums before writing your own.
hey. fuck yall. tunak was new to me, so i found it delightful. =P as for shankers uncle, yeah, he musta been loopy if he was always calling shankers dog a cat. friendly guy though, although he didnt speak a word of english. actually. come to think of it, he did always say cat and point to the dog... go figure. so i guess he knew at least one word.
heh. wank, i just saw the monkey butler simpsons, where theyre on the island, and one of the twin sisters is like "im so hungry i'd even eat at arby's" to which her sister replies "you're that hungry!?". although i too think arbys is the shit.
another thing about work. i dont know what was in the air today, or if it was the weather drawing them out, but the hot chix were in full force today men. what a sight to see. there were more today than there were on that gawdawful saturday before easter, and you'd think with so much quantity, you'd get some decent quality... guess not, the uglies in kirkland are exceedingly.
to air, i say... things have a weird way of working themselves out if theyre going to.. just give things time.
ok. that was kinda a yoda-ism. my bad.
mgay.

its great to see ashleigh as her old self again. shes back to where shes excited to go out and do things and wants to go out in public.
the best thing i've noticed, is that she hugs back now... its great. we arent together, but its just really enjoyable to have someone to spend time with doing stuff you like together and sharing thoughts, etc.
i invited her, as a nice jesture to go to this party. to my surprise, she was all for it. this is new to me, and i think i'm going to enjoy it.
we had a great time tonight. i got off work at 9, so we went to see bridget jones at 10. the fuckingest stupid person ever giving tickets.. somehow we ended up with joe dirt stubs. whatever. but it was a blast. i havent been so carefree in a while. feelings? you ask. fuck if i know. i'm just glad shes back in my life.
at work though, i figured out something kind of depressing though. im stuck with the personality that ive given myself at work. the quiet, reserved guy that doesnt really interact. people either think im shy or stupid... so when i do play around, joke with someone, it always seems like they take it as me being a dick.. speaking of dick...
oh my god. today one of the checkers i talk with a lot was like... "hey, you know the guy from the bakery? well i went over to his house last night, and i gave him head.. oh i love giving head. he got all into it, yelling 'bitch' and pulling my hair... i love that shit. although my necks kinda sore from it today." then she was like "thats probably a bit too much information for you, huh?" i think my mouth was kinda open, i didnt say anything. cuz really.. what do you say to that?
another work story.. blimpie jim came through my line today, and as he was leaving, he told me "now dont do anything i wouldnt do".
so an hour later, i go up to his store, blimpies, and get a sangwhich. the thing is, i dont pay for this sammich, cuz i get the "fred meyer/blimpies discount" which is basically just meaning 'travis illegally gets free food.' so i felt guilty for like a second just because i so recently saw blimpie jim, but ive been doing this for 7 months so.. ive kinda gotten numb to thinking about it.
weak.

ok, so by wanks decree, i saw tunaks video. that was pretty damn hilarious. that guy was really.... jolly.
i work tonight. balls.
i didnt study for my calc test. im thinking i should have.
i have no idea what im wearing to this pimps n hos party. i think the idea of having a costume turns off a lot of people, but whatever, i'll at least have my furry pimp coat. do i need anything else? well... hos.. but that comes later...
im moving out in two days.. back home.
damn.

wtf. air just sent me that tunak song wanks wetting himself over. takes me back to jr high when i'd hang out at shankers, always with the stereotypical indian music, and the smell of cumin in the air (the other kinda cumin =P). his uncle native to india would always walk around saying "Billy!" (bil-LEE) when he'd see shankers little scotty dog. apparently billy in hindu means teddy bear.
another thing he'd repeatedly say was "una capete" (una cap-ette-tay). hell if i know what it means. shanker would never tell me. i asked trip a while back, but he didnt know either.. i think his uncle was.. yeah. a few arms short of vishnu. not to mention that his mom married shankers other uncle.. heh, ok, so it wasnt really his uncle, but thats what shankers mom told him that this guy that came over was. one night shanker and friends found mom and uncle fucking in the hot tub. he never lived that down. his mom doing his uncle. he'd get really pissed when we'd study oedipus in english.. i'd just laugh. anyway. thanx for bringing up old memories. i dont know what happened to this crazy fucker, other than someone told me that he delivered their pizza... go shank.

ok. firefighters. piss oFF! i saw too many of you today. at school, right next to the firestation, there was this dumbfuck in a tin can that ran straight into a big ass van and got its shit rocked. there was a baby on board and everything. but i guess if youre going to do that, one of the best places to do it would be infront of the firestation, of course the very best would be at a hospital, and dammit. these guys were hindu-looking too. go fig.
anyway, more fucking firemen. i go to work at 5, and theres a firetruck with its hazard lights on out infront of the store, and theres this fireman opening and closing the employee entrance door. he gets confused with my wanting to enter. but anyway, shit calms down, then during the last hour of my shift, all these strobe looking lights start going off everywhere in the store, and this annoying buzz goes off with it... the alarms going off.. so the firefuckers have to come back over again cuz the alarms faulty, and they tromp around with their clunky helmets and whatnot, freaking people out. but, if any of you are feeling a bit mischevous tonight, the firemen fucked up the employee entrance, so its unlocked, and anyone can go in, even after hours i suspect. cuz i dont think they told anyone, and im probably the only one that knows because when i went in, he asked me if its usually locked or unlocked.
then i came home, and had to see fireman keiths lame ass.
bitches.

total bliss.
its been a while since i've found myself randomly smiling.
i went to ashleigh's house today, i talked to her mom who sed that she was asking about me, and wondering if i still wanted to be her friend. so she proposed that i go visit her at work. so i do so, and i walk all over the place trying to find her, and when i finally do, shes talking to her boss, so i just kinda hide around the corner. when her boss leaves, i kinda step around and just stand there... she turns. jaw drops. "HI!" and goes for a big hug. she was more than happy to see me. i was so relieved, i didnt know what to expect. so shes doing so much better. shes gotten over her sickness and is now functioning normally in society.
i dont care what she did to me in the past. she had her shit to deal with, and it was tough, and you dont always act the way you might want to... so all that is put behind us. we went out to jamba juice, and then lunch on her hour break. and before going back she asked when i get off work, cuz she might call... SHE MIGHT CALL!? she never called me before without me calling first. damn life is good. i have my good friend back. this issue has been pressing me for 2 months, and now i can just sit back and breathe.
i mentioned the pimps and hos party, and she might even want to make an appearance there! she never came to parties before.
i'm so happy shes better.
yay.

Ode to Disco Stu:
stu. how could such a cute little puppy cause so much havoc? you lick my in the mouth when i try to tell you NO. yer always jumping up on my balls, you jealous bastard, you have none of your own. you tried to eat my goddamn cocks hat while i was washing my ass, and keeping it clean. you even ate my fucking fish food, without leaving a trace. you scratch my arms, and bite my face, you piece of fucking dog shit. you eat the pillows on the couch and aarons fucking snowboard boot. goldberg lost an arm and his voice because of your bitch ass, and its a damn good thing we have extra 'fake' couches outside for you to romp around on and eat all the foam from their cushions, rather then the one inside with the big fucking ass groove. fucking Fatty McFat. although, you still decide to piss on this one good couch, and on the ground near my foosball table all in one day. today i find yet another way you try to impede my happiness. you eat the fucking tv remote, which rattles now when i pick it up, so when i go to play video games, i have to figure out how to change it to input-1 by only using the buttons on the tv. you bitch. i laugh at you cuz you have no balls, yet you still take me from behind to show im your bitch. you've interupted me during my most intimate moments, but comforted me when i needed your sorry ass.
i love you disco stu.

i cant think straight tonight. maegan (ashleighs bestfriend) called and left a message. i called her back, we had a good half hour chat. seems ashleigh is pretty much 100% better, and was actually asking maegan if shed talked to me, and seeing how i was doing. yay. so i think i'll still give ashleigh a bit more time, and let her come to me, but i think this is a big step toward friendship again. im stoked.
in other news. sam and i had a misunderstanding that i believe is resolved. i still think deathbunny cock rings are badass, but whos to say?
air. you a goddamn genius. how do women function normally in society while constantly being tempted by those 'things'.
incredible.

so who needs a girlfriend when all day you can just think about what youre going to put on your blog?
goddamn, im pathetic.

ok school:
calculus. what a hassle. ive taken it before, and i know how to do it, but i have to do it again, and im not doing extra-specially well in it... is this cuz i dont care? prolly.
philosophy of science. ya know all this shit is pissing me off. i dont think the teacher actually has a tenative schedule. some one brought up global warming, so we talked about that for an hour. and for the last two days, its been our prof and this other math prof (who i guess is just analyzing our prof's work, since i think this is his first time teaching this. anyway. the last two days, its just been these two going back and forth in discussion/debate. it gets to the point where we should get out of class, but they keep talking, everyone with bags in hand, pearched in our seats, ready to sprint to the door, but no one wants to make the first move and be rude... so we stick around.. waiting......i think im more of a middleman, so this is why this subject doesnt really appeal to me that much.
organic chemistry. first off, our teacher started the day off with a story. he lives in seattle near I-5 in apartment buildings. i guess the part where hes at something-terrace, theres a 2 story drop from the road down to the freeway. so he sez that hes leaving his underground parking lot, and this other guy tries to also before the gate comes down. but he doesnt make it, and the gate totally busts up this guys windshield. so the guy gets out of that, and cant see a damn thing, so he runs into my teacher, and is pushing him off the road and nearly onto the freeway two stories down!!! so my teachers car is a total accordian now, and cant get out the drivers side, so he has to go across to the passenger side, and in doing so he looks down to see that hes hanging over the freeway and has to crawl over his car to get back on the ground. so i dont know what came of it, but he didnt seem like he wanted to get any retribution from the guy (manuel ;) ... just givin ya shit). so yeah, he continued on with the lecture. i think im starting to like chemistry, go figure. maybe its cuz ive taken it for what? 3 years? 4 including high school, if that really counts. and im not burned out yet. i dont see myself continuing in this field, but its kinda cool how i can start to know what ingredients in shit is. oh, and also i really like the teacher cuz he relates to the world around us, instead of just writing a buncha "O's" and "C's" on the board. like he told us today that formic acid comes from the greek(? latin?) word ant, because this is the toxin fire ants give off. and it only stings when it gets under the skin, because even coca-cola is more acidic that this shit, and if you put this intravenously into you, damn, you'd be hurting. another thing was he told us what our liver does to alcohol. it takes the ethanol, and turns it into acetic acid (vinegar) and acid aldehyde... methinks it would be a lot more interesting if you actually knew what those looked like though, and were working with them all the time. anyway, i like it, but i cant see myself as a pharmacist or anything. thats seems practical, but very boring.
another thing i noticed is that old people (well, at least my parents) arent intuitive at all. ive been away for how long? and yesterday they asked me to check on what time this one show comes on. so i push the "right" button on the remote, and the time shows up, with the show. they, to say the least, were totally amazed. they wanted to know how i figured out how to do that. i was like, um, well, i looked at the remote, and i thought, hmmm.. maybe if i push right. it will show me whats on next.. let me tell you.. blew their fucking minds. i dont get it. if they arent shown how to do something, theyre totally lost. is this just another marvel where kids are used to "technology" so they can figure out simple things like finding whats on next, or do we just regress when we get older and think, to a point, that theres nothing more to learn, and what we already know will help us do anything?
dumb.

LATE NITE BLOG!!!!!!!
just for the fuck of it.........
hey manny. i watched raw tonight, but it was over at 8pm. get it? all the asses on the east coast or bitches with satellite on the west get to see it earlier and vote. thats still a shitload though.
and since this is MY blog, and although, i dont even know if you read it, but sam, wtf? i dont got beef with you, why try to give me some? i think that back in the day i was the one of the only ones to not give you shit. so calmate.
lets see.. back to more important things..... fight of the night, i'd have to go with jeff hardy vs. trip H. homeboy gave a good fight, but trip H hardly ever loses. i was impressed though. pissed me off that they were following lita and stone cold whilst he got pinned though.
gay.

so yeah, i forgot to mention that i talked to my roomie from westmont last night over AOL IM. hes in the marines and stationed in oahu, hawaii right now. he told me he has the nickname 'iron man' now. and, of course, i asked for the story on how he got it. i thought maybe cuz he likes black sabbath, or when they go for runs hes always wanting to go further, etc....but heres briefly how it goes: he was at a party in a hotel. eventually he wanted to get some sleep so he went in the closet to snooze. but one of the guys wants to bang this chic, so hes trying to get everyone out of the room, being a dick to all my roomate's (justin's) friends. so this guys being a really asshole, and also happens to be tossed. so justin (also drunk) cracks the closet door and looks out. he waits for a good time when the guys is close enough to the closet. so justin grabs for the closest thing and *WHACK* smacks the guy in the noggin. the guy so gone just kinda slouches over and goes. "FUCK! someone just hit me in the head with an iron!" so while everyones aweing at that fact, justin grabs his shit and heads out. a friend yells to him that the cops are coming, so they hop in a cab and rush off.. and thats how hes iron man. pretty goddamn funny.

oh, another story, has to do with absolute luck like wanks magic coin. my dad sed that the other day he was looking this one stock on the computer, and one of the cats leaped on the keyboard and bought it. i guess from that trade, my cat made abot $250, while for my dad the rest of that day, he lost about $100. so they treated my cat to some fish, which i found in barf form downstairs when i was moving some furniture around so i can move in this weekend.
dah.

crazy shit today. i didnt have calc, so i got to go to school an hour later than usual, so when walking to my 11:30, i see all sorts of different people walking about between the 10 min between class period.
this is where, i shit you not. i see what appears to me to be an albino midget. it was so damn hard to not look at this chic. especially since her white/blonde hair was probably longer than she was tall and all up in braids.

other topic. at work if any event comes up, the management makes these things called "read and signs".. just so they can verify that you should know what the fucks going on. example: theres this promotion with that new movie shrek, where you can send in reciepts showing over $300 worth of purchase at freddys and get two free tickets. this read and sign was just to tell you that you should know about the promotion, and what shrek is... a movie with celeb voices including mike meyers, cameron diaz, and john lithgow.. so anyway, other read and signs are to make sure that certain instances at work never happen again. like theres these checks called WIC, which are basically to help families out who have small children by paying for basic needs... baby formula, milk, eggs, milk, cheese, etc. ... so you have to go through and check to see that they have only whats on the list on the check and dont go over...
well this one, not so bright checker fucks up in some extraoridary way with one of these checks, so now this read and sign tells us that every checker has to put their employee # on the back of the check, so they can catch the perps to the fuck-ups starting on the 18th.
so anyway. i created an incident to get one of these directed toward me!!!
they hand this read and sign out that sez basically that you cant eat or drink in uniform (which i still dont follow) and to basically "not act like an asshole while in uniform" as quoted by my not so flagrantly gay boss (yes, i have multiple gay bosses). so this one was spawned by my incident up in the blimpies parking lot where i tapped this fat ladys car after she almost ran me over.. she made a big scene about it and claimed that when she was leaving, that i told her to "watch your big fucking ass, lady", while in actuality, i sed nothing at all while she was leaving and rob headlee, a JHS alum, was the one who sed "no lady, you better watch your attiude", after she had told me to.
so i just thought it was cool that they had to go and write out one of those read and signs and make every goddamn checker sign it just cuz of that fat bitch and my interactions with her. i hate bitches. those who are feeling bad about themselves so they try to pick on the vulnerable to make themself feel better. ah well. shes a bitch.
later.

side note: kevin and family came into freddys today when i was in the express lane (i love the express lane, its the only time you can tell someone to get the fuck out! and i actually did today after this couple unloaded most of their cart. i didnt see them do it, and there was this lady behind them with like 3 things looking really pissed, so i told them to move). so anyway, im talking to kevin, and hes saying that i should move up to bellingham and live with him and go to whatcom cuz bryce is graduating and moving out. i was like.. um.. no, i really dont want to move away from here, besides, although i do go to Bellevue Child Care, i do have a decent job, and have the intent on going to UW and moving out over there. made me realize, that i enjoy where im at at to a pretty good degree, its what i want to be doing, although i really didnt have moving back home in mind, but hey, lifes full of unexpected set-backs which turn out to sometimes even be beneficial. i think me leaving westmont, temporarily dropping out of school, and fucking up my hand, is one of them. so, kev, sorry man, but i think i'll keep around here for a while.
piece.

ok... so wank, you better have kept that magic coin, or i'm gunna beat your ass.

my easter? decent. woke up to a call from my parents around 11am, got up, went over there. became a nuisence in the kitchen while everyone else was trying to cook. played some smash bros, which i hadnt done in for-fucking-ever, ate dinner then sat around til i had to go to work at 5. you know how everyone says that when you're busy, the time flys? well today, we were hardly busy at all, and the first three hours just blew by. i couldnt believe it had already been two hours when they sent me on break... blimpies was closed for easter, so i just walked around the building with ryan the parcel, who had all the carts put away cuz no one was around to use them.
so then i get back to work, and they send me in infamous # 10.. this # 10 i had broke about a week earlier or so.. but its not like "i" broke it.. .anyone who would have been using it at the exact time i was would have broken it themselves too.. it was just its time...
and what it does is makes this gawdawful noise when the reciept is done and ready to be cut... so just a couple days ago, they brought in a specialist to fix it while i was in checkstand #10... the guy sed he forgot which had the problem but immediately figured it out when he showed up.... so this guy fixed it... .... so we thought.. then today, like i sed, they sent me into this checkstand #10. everythings going fine until this one guys reciept doesnt come out. so i lift up the printer cover and its all scrunched up in there like an accordian. this is where the shit hits the fan. the fuckers broken again... so i can my boss over, the flagrantly gay one, and hes pissed at me.. not really, but just like.. dammit travis. not only did you break another, but its the same one!!! this was the guy earlier that told another employee that i wasnt allowed to use box knives because they are "sharp objects". oh well.. i know hes just playing... if not, i could whoop his faggot ass!....
so that last hour drug on with the annoying screech and it seemed to get a lot busier, but it really hadnt, it was just that there were only two of us cashiering, while that gay boss and the other chic boss were off banging or something.
oh. so as for stealing. i know im a freak, but these new quarter deals, with the individual states on the back.. i kinda like to have at least one of each, the other night i found new york, and i had no quarter to replace it with, so i jacked it... the same went for tonight..
this guy handed me a quarter whose back i hadnt seen before.. so i kept it secluded for a while, then snuck it into my pocket. turns out it was north carolina, with the wright brothers plane on it. i think the new york ones are getting kinda common now, as i got a whole roll today that was just them, but that was the only north carolina i've seen.
well, enough of that....
so that was my night. i come home and theres not a damn thing to do other than look over all the blogs and forums, looks like forums are becoming a fading trend, at least for now, and manny fucked with his page, and i cant even get to trips blog.
hope ya'll had a great easter. and i'll see ya at the party next week!
poop.

ya know, i dont know what it is, but it seems like lately, with people, its like they've just finally gotten to the end of their rope with me, and have given up on putting up with me. and whats the shitty part, is that i see it coming from all directions.. its not just one group of friends that interact with each other, but several. maybe i've just been in this funk because of ashleigh. but dammit. i keep telling myself that im ok, that im over here. (which, sincerely, i think i am) but then it comes down to the point that she doesnt want anything to do with me anymore... see what i think is that our "interaction" was beyond a relationship.. i mean it got to points where it was just me sitting next to her wondering how i could end her pain.. being by her side.. did just that help? apparently not. i mean, i dont know if i consider myself to be selfish, and i dont know if what i say is to be justified as selfish, but i was with her during a really low point in her life. and i helped her through it... im not saying it was me that brought her out of this depression and sickness, but i think my presence and influence did have some adverse effect... and when i finally realize that its just this wonderful, great friendship that we have that i tried to manifest as a relationship, shes done with trying to put me down nicely and is willing to cut off all ties so she wont have to deal with me anymore.
which brings me to another point.. lately i've been starting to form and state opinions. this is usually not my character. but now that i have, it seems that i upset people. letting ashleigh know that what she's doing is going to hurt her in the long run.. i know people dont want to be told that what theyre doing is wrong, but shouldnt they look at where the advice is coming from? from someone who cares and is only looking out for their best interest? shit! if that wasnt what i was doing, why did i let her drag me through the shit that she was living in? i dunno. her parents say that she just isnt mature enough to see what i've done for her. that she might notice it way further down in life.. i think that was just to make me feel better.. HOLY SHIT! ITS TAX DAY! AND MY PARENTS ANNIVERSARY! AND EASTER! HOLY FUCK! maybe this is just how relationships go.. you break up and move on. and im just not willing because i've never experienced anything like it before.. i think the whole circumstances were just fucked to begin with and nothing good could have come from it.. her life is destined to be led somewhere other than here, and i didnt want to see it. shes said some pretty awful things to me, but dont a lot of people tend to exagerate when frustrated or upset? yeah shes shit on me, but i still wish her nothing but a happy life.. shes gone through enough hell already. yesterday i came to this conclusion: yes, i miss her, but i dont long for her.
i want to be her friend, but im afraid as circumstances are, she still sees me as trying to have a relationship. i never got to tell her how i feel, and maybe i never will. its sad. ive herd from a good source that miscommunication sparks most of life's problems.. its true. and with me, miscommunication always follows, probably because this miscommunication starts with not communicating at all. but once i sense a problem, i try to fix it... but i tend to put everything i have into fixing it but when other people dont want to talk about it, the problem grows, and people snap... its not fun. and it starts with because i have an opinion. i hate stating my opinion. especially in large groups. but when i matters i do. but sometimes people dont want to listen or dont want to hear that what theyre doing is hurtful to them or others, because then if they dont hear it, its ok to do. i say something because i dont want to see them get hurt. then i get the short end of the stick. but i guess dont true friends do whatevers best for the other friend no matter the cost? .. hopefully.
you know what i found out as the best thing? i go visit california, all my wesmont chums. sure things might change and people might look different, but its like you just go back to two years ago and things had never changed. you remenice (sp?) and build on that.
i hadnt seen lindsay in over two years and it was like nothing had changed. its great... thats what i want with ashleigh. to keep in touch, and maybe not see each other for some time, but when we do, its like no time had passed between us at all.
k. im getting sappy... and i think i've made my point.
one day out of the fucking blue, my dad emailed me with one sentence, it sed travis, keep in touch with your friends.. ironically this came right after ashleigh wanted nothing to do with me. but hes right. friends give you good memories and someone to fall back on.
i dunno.. this is getting too much for me.. im out.

BUTT-FUCKING-A!!! why does every goddamn human have to be a procrastinator.. why did all the fuckers have to buy shit today? if any of yall came to my store, i woulda killed yo punk ass!!! retail sux dick for holidays, it takes away all the meaning.. tomorrow im just going to get up and dread going back to work.. im not going to look for fucking eggs that cost $2.19 for 2 18-packs. with fucking $.29 fake grass in them and $30 worth of candy.. fuck no! nor am i going to church (heh). i went to work at 3, got a half hr lunch at 6, came back and worked til 10:30 with lines after lines.. i dont even remember the last time we had all 15 lanes opened up... and our new gay boss (he really is gay) doesnt know how to schedule for closing on holidays. therefore, i had to stay not get a break for 4 and a half hours, and i had to stay an extra half hour til 11:30 to wait for all the dumbfucks to realize that the store is and does actually closed at 11 pm!
another thing... my job is so depressing.. i excel at it, im probably one of the fastest checkers there, if not the fastest, and what does it get me?! more fucking people!!! they dont pay me more.. they dont put me in any special category... although at random times they do like to put me in express.. i think they do prefer the faster checkers in there, cuz ive never seen darell in there (this guy is like 6'9", moves and talks as slow as a sloth).
but jesus christ, people... why asparagus and ham!? i hate holiday traditions now. and this is one is a kicker.. since when did silly putty become a thing of easter?? why the hell was every goddamn person buying that as much as those plastic fucking eggs? just because the packaging IS also in the shape of an egg? i hate you people.
so now its near midnight. air and keet are out, and air and/or kiris gave me their colds. bitches.
im just saving up all this potential energy of possibly lashing out for next saturday, when im going to explode. but in the good way, of course.
so yeah, i guess i'll leave ya'll tonight by saying "have a happy easter" cuz you have to for me.

so im totally stoked... i didnt know my babberings would do a damn thing.. but look.. in the people you least expect it in, you get an answer! oh, and btw, wank, yeah, you score $5! what i was looking for was that they dont have mammory glands, they just secrete the milk out of their skin and the little platypi lick it up.. yum..
so that makes me feel better.. something thats kinda bummed me out today was the fact that its ashleigh's birthday.. i havent talked to her since we were both off on vacation, and i havent seen her since march 19th.. the before she left for ohio... i emailed her today just to say happy bday, and in hopes that maybe someday she'll want to talk to me again.. i highly doubt it for a while.. i talk to her best friend maegan over IM, shes in ohio... it pisses me off how she writes.. she uses exclamation point way too much.. so i ask her.. do you think ashleigh will be my friend again.. her response.. "i dont know i really dont know!" what the fuck?! what are you so excited about? she always tells me she has a paper to write so she doesnt have to talk to me.. whatever...
not like i even harp on it anymore...
so work is so easy going now, i love them... not only did they cut my easter working time almost in half, which i guess is ok cuz its still like working a full day, but they gave me next weekend off like i asked!! which means that i can move back home, AND party on saturday with no restrictions...
and wank.. as for the reed/red sea thing.. you might be on track, but i also read where the winds can blow funkily and actually part the really shallow areas.. so maybe its a bit of both..
im glad people read my shit, although the lastest kinda seemed like woe is me.. but im just analyzing how i am..
and later i'll get to the wrastlin, which i think is kinda exciting..
alright.. this is enough for one day..
late

first off... what the hell!? ok third day in a row where im on the freeway and an amublence comes screaming by with the lights and sirens goin. i guess today is good friday...
ok.. so lets see.. i've been pondering this indestructable trav thing... seems to me, that everything not inherent or instilled by my parent or my personal experiences at an early stage in my life is due to my sister, either good or bad.. i was kind of sheltered because i always had someone to turn to if need be.. but this person, my sister, also did a wonderful job at being the generic older sibling...
plus, shes a girl... so that also enables special rites. what i'm saying, is whenever we had our little squabbles, no matter who started it, my sister would always whine about it... for some reason or another i never thought of doing that. so i'd usually always be the one getting in trouble, and besides, you dont hit girls... so most of the time, unless duely provoked, i'd take whatever she did, or i'd get back at her at the right times. this continued for years up until i was finally a big taller and much stronger than her, and easily did back breakers and DDTs on her ass.
but also in growing up, i sort of hid in her shadow, hung out with her... so my first best friend was a chic, and through elementary school with exception of my bestest friend, all my acquaintences/friends were chix.. and although i didnt play with dolls and shit, when i hung out, i did their kinda thing.. like when the guys were off playing kickball, id be on the bars doing flips and shit (probably partially explaining my inclination to crazy tricks and shit).
so with that submissive behavior, people decide that its really easy to pick on you.. which it is... for instance.. third grade...
i've heard that it takes only 30 lbs of pressure or so to rip off the human ear.. to this, i say BULLSHIT! third grade, i was successfully picked up, off the ground by fucking jeff thorne, this guy who was in the same grade, but like a foot taller.. that hurt like a bitch, but i still got ears, dont i? the teacher gave me permission to hit him back.. but i only weakly punched him in the stomach. thats another thing.. being small everyone wants you to be the guinea pig for everything... oh.. we can throw you over the wall to get the ball, or oh, lets tie him up by his feet and hang him from this tree here...
so i guess years of being bullied, even if i allowed it or didnt care has brought me to the state that i am now... shit. in physics senior year, i was shankers punching bag.. although a few times he did get me riled up enough to where i'd pound his ass back... this continued the whole quarter, enough so that dan even created a game about us.. ask him about it.

so along with all that shit, comes my affinity toward wrestling.. but that will have to be another time, since these damn posts seem to always be ass long, and who reads mine anyway? oh, manuel... thanx for the support!
hope ya'll have a good good friday, and a happy easter or passover... i'll be working all fucking weekend, but i dont really mind on sunday, because i'll be getting double time, which means that i'll be getting more dollars an hour than you are years old!! ever think you'd hear about somebody bragging that they work at fred meyer? ... me neither.
audi.

so i just have to start by saying all those of you who dont give a fuck about religion.. my bad.. that wont happen again...
the next thing is, damn, what a weird day yesterday... ok, so i go to school, come home, write this monstrous thing you see below here, and went over to my parents for dinner... i come home and open up my calc book to study for my test.. usually when i say i dont study, i mean i maybe glanced over it all in like 10 mins.. this time, no... i found the page and immediately crashed... this was about 7:45... i woke up at 12:30 am took a piss, turned on my alarm, and went back to sleep, getting up at my usual 9:20 in the morning.. i must be getting sick or something.. but i pulled off a 12 hr night just last week too... maybe its boredom catching up with me.. nothing better to do..
ok.. as for school, im sure many have sed this before, but GODDAMMIT! philosophy is shit.. they argue what has meaning, and they keep going until they realize that they cant base a damn thing off shit.. how can you do a goddamn thing if you dont have a presumed base? they analyze everything til nothing has meaning. i hate you people.... i'll stick with knowing what i observe around me to be real with a bit of experimentation.

another thing... all of you fuckers who have every complained to me about having a significant other: FUCK YOU!!! theres only like a couple exceptions, but the rest of you asses are hooked up... eat me..
not that i really care anymore, cuz im fine with being just by myself, but you guys.. you whine when you have a semi-decent flow of opposite sexage...

ah yes, and i'd also like to give a shout out to wank. that boy and his road rage is dead on... fuckers need to mind theyre own damn business and do what the signs tell them to do. wo0t!

that wraps things up for tonight... i dont like giving excuses, but this coming weekends going to rape me, but i'll still try to post something up, no matter how gay.. alright?

peace out

ok.. so i know this is probably not the best thing to start a blog off with to get readers, and manuel's probably going to be thinking, oh dear god, what have i unleashed?... but ive just wanted to put this down on paper (or the equivalent) for a while now. so i warn you, if you're not at all interested in western religion, you can pass this post up, but if yer at all intrigued by what godboy might have to say, stick around for a bit..
ok.. so a lot of you might know that i went to a religious school my first year of college in cali, what an experience, but most of you might not know that before coming up to washington, my whole school experience was in private schools, so yes, that means that in my whole school career, i've attended god school longer than ive gone to public schools, including all college...
so anyway.. my feelings are that... the only to really get to know something is to know all the angles... isnt that was a scientist does? so anyway.. i just want to say that it pisses me off with all these people talking about how religion doesnt exsist, or the people talking about how God works in mysterious ways, when they dont even know, or dont want to know the other side! buffoonery! so im not saying that im a scholar in either of these two categories, religion & science, but i have been lucky enough to have been taught and studied both... what i mean, is yes, i was the over-achiever that memorized the bible verses every sunday and could probably right now quote all the books of the bible, and all that other trivial stuff, but i do think i have some background.. the same goes for science
so i guess what i want to do is look at a couple areas that are in constant conflict between these two rival groups. first off... creationism.. ok.. so adam and eve.. my theory on this is that this is just a story thats been passed down, what culture doesnt have these? ok. so these people lived in mesopotamia, the fertile crescent, between the tigris and euphrates river, now present day iraq, and they are hunter/gatherers, much like how life is depicted in the garden of eden... but for one reason or another, be it famine or rival groups pushing them out.. they move to a agrarian lifestyle, plowing the fields... although biblically, traditionally people say that this was 5000 years ago according to some guy that went through all the genealogy in the book of numbers to get this, i believe that the actual time frame of this is roughly 9000BC, when theres first evidence of farming in this area...
another thing thats always brought up by first graders is... how did adam and eve populate so much into the 6 billion we have today?
well.. according to teachers back in the day, incest. yes, adam piped eve, then came cane and able, but able got his shit rocked, so it was just cane. then came seth... so theres possiblities here.. either cane and seth boinked their mom for fucking prehistoric case of oedipian mishaps, or they waited for adams daughther in which case they got with her.. therefore today modern man should all look something like that of what comes out on the inbred monarchies of europe, i.e. prince charles... so as you see, i dont condone that idea..
other stories in the bible.. noah and the ark? yeah, i dont even know what i can say about that, but i have herd that they think they found it up on Mt. anarak in turkey, but the government wont allow anyone to investigate, so for all anyone knows, that think could just as well be uncle-fucking-toms cabin....
which brings me to another point.. christianity has seemed to lose its effect because of how its continually molded over the centuries... want me to expound? ok... lets see.. the god of the old testament was a vengeful, smiting god... there were brutal stories of him condoning war, and harsh punishments that seem unfair.. examples: two kids are making fun of the prophet elijah... so god does this miracle, and bears come out of the woods and eat these kids alive... another.. god doesnt allow moses into the promise land simply because he went against gods will by hitting a rock instead of talking to it like he was told.. so basically the poor guy walked in the desert for 40 yrs after having the good life of being the pharohs son...
ok.. moving on.. then... the god of the new testament becomes this loving caring guy thats all about "do unto others as you would have them do to you" and shit like, "the fruit of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control" ....what a total change!!! my theory on this is that religion is basically just a prelim to what eventually came law... like in the old testament, people were scared shitless to do anything bad because of the eternal damnation they'd have to face, and religion even gave X commandments.... and in the new testament, law was already prevelent, so it merely turned into a moral issue... of how to be good to everyone around you... ok, and now zoom ahead into the future again, and now around 650, christianity morphs yet again, when muhammed comes along and unites the squabbling arab tribes and forms one of the greatest empires... yet again, another way of contolling people... down the road again, the 1150's, byzantine and rome fight over whether god should be represented in a material form, and those two break off into catholicism and eastern orthodox... then! this catholicism gets way out of hand every hundred years or so, becoming somewhat of a political power gaining property and wealth and becoming corrupt with many different reforms within the religion until the early 1500s when martin luther steps up and makes another jump to split the church again and create hundreds of different sects.. now what the hell is this? ... i dont even want to try..
i just see christianity as changing as society does.. people changing it to fit life around them and to have it survive, the popes have made up so many rules to change the religion over just a couple centuries... it started out as a way to keep people in line, and now possibly, with rule and regulations that no one could possibly memorize, religion might quite possibly be out-dated now too....
another topic of debate... creationism's foe... evolution.. ok, so out there in the creationists, there are those who believe in evolution between the species that we have today, such as darwins find of those birds that were once able to reproduce, but now after being seperated on their respective islands and forming different beaks for different purposes, these guys can no longer make babies together... ok, back on the subject... for the longest time, there was one piece of evidence that creationists used that i couldnt see anyway around.. and thats entropy.. ya know, things tend to fall apart.. they prefer the most simple way.. chaos... i knew this was meant for only a closed system, but not until recently did someone tell me that our solar system isnt closed, because of the continual energy given off by the sun... so yeah.. i guess now it makes sense... its still hard to see how a unicellular organism can come out to be us.. but i guess in the 4.6 billion years given for trial and error, theres a lot of room there.. i mean nature did make its fuck-ups... like the platypus.. (i feel im stealing this from dogma, that just occured to me, but i assure you this was my own analogy, unless subconciously i reverted back to the movie)anyway.. the platypus... this guys all kinds of fucked up.. and i just want to see if anyone is reading this.. so here.. everyone knows theres a set of requirements for being mammal... this guy doesnt really break one (unless they lay eggs, i cant remember) but theres a quirk to one of these requirements, so the first person to guess it, i'll give 'em 5 bucks, and if they do lay eggs, thats not the one im talking about... guess mine!
ok.. so evolution... the other thing other than entropy that intrigued me was, i always wanted to see a creationists view on early human species, ya know, austrelopithesis, and homo habilis, (my personal favorite)heidelbergensis, erectus, antecessor, neandertalensis, and of course sapien. did you know that scientists are now starting to believe that neandertals are actually not even on the homo sapien lineage, and that they were an offshoot about three or so homos back? so although they lived at the same time as us, they were only distantly related... anyway.. i want to see how creationists explain precursors to modern humans.. if theyre some kind of extinct ape and theres not enough proof to show theyre actually human, or what.
... ok so you ask me.. do i believe in god? well.. i dont know.. and im ok with that i dont know.. because frankly i dont want to be known as agnostic.. i mean whats that "not knowing" theyre bullheaded people anyway that just push aside anything remotely religious.. they dont want to explore it, because they think they know.. the same can be said about christians.. they think they know how things go, so why look at alternatives?
... so i dont know if theres a God, but i will tell you that if there is, then if/when you read the bible... dont take it literally.. its all metaphoric... i dislike the people that say "oh! gods wonderful hand was layed on all of us, cant you see?" i dont think he is an active god.. he may be omnipotent and omnipresent, but hes not down giving the helping hand.. people ask, "why does god allow this?" homeboys just kickin back watching, if anything.
i may have missed a few topics i wanted to touch on, but i'm sure this is long enough, right manuel? i assure you that this will be the only of its kind, cuz i just wanted to set a few things straight... most people dont know how they feel about religion.. but i'll tell you that ive gone through all the lectures and experiences, and i come out with .. i dont know.. but i can say that i take the bible metaphorically, meaning probably not all those big miracles, and yes, man came from a damn monkey...
sorry this was ass long.. i'll tone it down.. thanx ya'll

yes! my own Blog.. i tip my hat to manuel.. a half dollar buddy and an inspiration for chicken porn.. thank god he took that picture down with his website. so yeah. this blog thing. i thought things would flow, but so far i'm a little wary of what i type cuz everyone will see it.. but i guess i shouldnt give a fuck... all im saying is that i dont want to just put a couple days worth of posts in here and then forget about it after whining about it for a month or so.. ehem air.. heh...
so i guess what i want to do is explore this new nickname i seemed to have acquired "indestructable trav" and see why people think im this crazy fuck and what may have led up to it.. other than that, it'll just be your average run-of-the-mill what i did today that was exciting to hopefully keep all you bastards entertained.. cuz for the most part, i was by all of yours.. and maybe i'll even throw in the story of why chicken is now synonymous with trav... so i guess i'll end here.... soon.. and i think you can expect me to keep up with this thing, since really, theres not a goddamn thing to do around here when im done with work or school.. alright.. here it goes....