fate.
i dont know if i believe in it. but if its not the way of nature, then i think it is how one can look back on their life and see how different instances lead up to their demise or happiness.
yesterday i wrote about giving ashleigh space. i struggle with this, but i have set myself to doing it. although today came about a couple of swinging turns with fate that took ashleigh and my relationship from its zenith off to the wrong path, as i, at this present time, see it.
i come home and pack up the car, im going to go drop stuff of at my parents. but before i go, i think of calling ashleighs.. not to talk to her, but to her mom. the thing is, i think i have pink eye, which ashleigh had a week ago, and her sister currently has it and contracted it from her. so i call... twice, but this fucking service lady recording tells me the line is temporarily down. turns out later that keith calls me while im at my house that he forgot to pay the bills. so i decide to head over to ashleighs. again, not to see her, but to ask her mom if this itching that started on sunday is a symptom. so, my luck, ashleighs not home. so i talk to her mom some. then little zoe wants to show me how much better shes doing with her handstands. so i stick around for a bit. then her mom comes charging in saying that she herd a little meow coming from some boxes. they had a pregnant cat and thought they might have had kittens. we search around, and sure enough, there they are... all five of them. the dork that i am, i was intrigued and stuck around, i was just about to leave. so zoe gets all excited, and i admit, it was kinda cool. so i stick around. zoe calls ashleigh and tells her about the kittens, so ashleigh hurries home. i had my keys out just as she arrived.. shit.
she comes in the door, looks at me, and walks in the other direction. i tell zoe to go tell her that she can come out of her room to see the kittens because i was leaving. i leave and go to my parents. im talking to my mom, and i get a call... ashleigh does finally call me.. but its basically to say that she doesnt want me to make her feel guilty about me seeing her family, cuz theyre hers. also, just the thought of me annoys her right now. i dont know if she caught the depression in my voice during our conversation. its really hard. because sure, i shouldnt have been at her house at all... with or without her there. but she wouldnt have known if all those occurances hadnt shown. aaron sed to move on. i thought i could without not seeing her. i truely think i have. but its a two sided thing. im not depressed now because she doesnt love me, because she broke up with me. im depressed because i theres no reason for her to be like this. well. i admit. i havent exactly given her the space she wants. but i tried to do so by just leaving today, but the damage was done. probably the instant she saw my car sitting infront of the house.
shes moved on. she wants nothing to do with me. i dont see why. but theres not much i can do to change that.
death.
i dont know how many of you keep up on dans forums, but sam and i were going back and forth about living in pain, or something to that extent, at least that was my argument. so anyway, the family friend i was talking about just passed away this saturday night. his face was distorted with the protuberances of all the tumors pressing up against his brain. his eyes swollen shut, no longer able to move. hopefully sedated, i was told all he could possibly do was to hear the final words of his relatives,
"i love you, seth." he was 16. two days later, his mother sits in the backyard staring into space, talking to no one. his father. he leaves. to where? no one really knows. my parents are flying down this weekend for the funeral. i wasnt very close to this courageous soul, but i did play a lot with him when i was young. its always hard when the parents outlive their children. its against nature.
my parents and i went out to dinner. in the past day, i had only eaten a quesadilla keith made me, and a carmel egg aaron gave me. depression, ive found, makes me even more lazy. to where i wont even take care of my basic needs. although i did get up enough motivation to take a shower. although i was in my blue pimp pants for the whole day. lazy bastard.
im still a little sad to be moving out. and now all i have left at my old place is pretty much my bed, toiletries, and computer.
although i did most of my room set up downstairs. its been the only thing to go right in a while. i took my organic chem test today. i didnt study at all yesterday. recently focusing on school has been a challenge for one reason or another. when it came to mechanism, i stared blankly at the page. i get to do that again when i take my phil of science test on wednesday.
i think the thing that bugs me the most about ashleigh, is that we have a great time when we're together. i cant tell she does. but then she just randomly gets an anxiety attack or something to the sort where she can stand me being around her.. maybe its because she feels old feelings and knows she doesnt want to go there. who knows. maybe shes just fed up with me. thats more like it. i dont think i'll be talking to her much anymore. she consistantly hurts me, but i set myself up for it, so its not really her fault. i initiate everything. i doubt i let her. her mom told me she was asking about me a week ago, so i got excited and went to see her. maybe it was a bit premature even if she was excited to see me. but i feel that she thinks i still havent gotten over her. as i explained last night. she needs more space. i was planning to do that. but 'fate' had it that kittens would be born and hold me up. that keith didnt pay the bills, so i stopped by.
i guess most everyones trying to tell me to leave it be. i would think that talking it out would help, but maybe theres still too much emotion in the way, and maybe thats why she chooses to not talk to me.. i doubt it. i think shes fed up.
its sad to see this happen. i think for me it was the abruptness of her ending the relationship. in effect it was valentines night, when everything was said and done, metaphorically. she said nothing, and she didnt talk to me for two weeks after that. i was so clueless, i had bought some rice milk the next day cuz i felt bad that she had nothing to eat in the morning. that same rice milk i found in the beer fridge today and took it over with me to give to her mom.
i think i realize now that i am over her. theres no heart ache this time. (maybe the hunger pains outweighed it, but still). i think im just thoroughly depressed that someone who i (not single-handedly) nutured back to health, was the only friend to come visit her during her hard times, means nothing to her. ive been cast away ever since she was strong enough to do so. shes found her old friends and gone with them. im of no use anymore. shes better. not 100%, but she can function normally in society now. i had pain seeing her how she was. i had compassion to stick around and help her even when she was most bitter, hated the world, was depressed herself, would yell at me. i took this in, hoping one day to see how i had helped. and i did help. but she doesnt see the daily torture i went through to her her out of her own. she sees someone that wont leave her alone. someone whos mere image annoys her. someone she doesnt want to see. to i wish i could take back all the pain shes given me? no, id hate too see her back where she started. i think i now have lived the statement: 'its better to have loved and lost, than to not love at all'.its never right to look at your life and wish that it would end so the pain would. her only motivation became her mother. she put so much time in effort into her that if she was to 'leave', all her time and effort would be for nothing. through this time, ive become close with her family. just today zoe asked me how long we'd known each other. ironically, i was thinking the same thing yesterday. not with zoe, but ashleigh. it'll be a year in two months. it seems like so much longer.
i talk to maegan, her closest friend. she tells me that if she hadnt known me, shed hate me too. (speaking of tom affinity toward me, this guy ive met like once and knows nothing about me other than what complaints ashleigh had given him.) so i can see i havent helped the situation at all. and maybe she wants nothing to do with me. she was the one to say she wanted to be friends. i guess i just took up the offer a bit too late.
shes a really good friend, and i'd take her back as one in any moment. but right now, i cant keep feeling like this. she needs to make the move, which, im afraid will never happen, but nonetheless. theres nothing more that i can do.
tough times always seem to come at once. death usually comes in threes. scary thought.
but things go up and down. just read my blog from day to day.
i think i'll be happy living downstairs. its a nice setup. im afraid i'll never get visitors though. except on maybe an occasion where i throw a party or something to that effect.
but this 'fate' may throw in a change-up, and who fucking knows. i could be in europe this summer or even live in seattle by that time. im not one to look into or get excited about the future. maybe i do just like to see where things take me. spontenaity.
anything i plan in my head never really turns out as i plan it anyway. thats probably why i just decide to go with the flow.
i draw little attention to me, and its apparent. i have one friend at school that i see daily. my old lab partner. im glad to have him.
at work, i talk to my two asain friends when theyre around, and that kinky chic that likes to give head. the strangest friendship is this guy ryan at blimpies. he goes to UW, but commutes all the way over there to do psuedo-fastfood. probably because his roomate and him came from spokane, and shes the boss' niece. anyway. hes looking for a new job. it'll be sad to see him go. i only worked with the guy for 2 months at blimpies, but our friendships grown from there.
i think my depression has shone through my writing. im hoping it will be over soon when i stop thinking about things, and keeping myself busy with others.
i enjoyed the pimps and hos party. i think ashleigh did too, til she hit a wall. she gets tired easily. and she worked all day.
im planning on maybe getting a cell phone (nothings for sure) so i wont have to screen all the calls like my parents do, or have to run upstairs to tell them the call is once again someone they want to talk to (why dont you just pick up the phone!!?)
mkay. fucking weak day.
good luck to yall.
my eye itches like a son of a bitch.
out.