i think, like tripat, many of us are at these crossroads. we're getting to the end of school and have a small glimpse of what might lie ahead.. this shit is scary. ive finally come to the point in life where my first love has gone and passed me by. i'd still enjoy friendly banter and spending time together, but it seems time will have to push me along before i get to do any of that for an extended amount of time. people tell me to move on. i feel that i have. but that this person is something important to me that i dont want to lose. and right now theres still akward moments, but for the most part if our meetings are brief, it can be enjoyable. i look forward to her happiness later in life and with her sharing with me what life has brought to her. as for my own life, im a bit more of a skeptic. shes gone through the dating scene and frankly right now is a bit tired of it. i on the only hand only caught a glimpse and fear that getting a grasp on it again is so far away. my personality doesnt allow for it. i was lucky to fall into it when i could, and getting out was an arduous path. but now im back to the starting point only with a bit more widsom. as i sed, this relationship basically fell in my lap, so going out there and meeting people, i still dont know what im doing. im lost. people say that to show her that you simply want that friendship that you need to just go out and get into another relationship. people. look at me. i know im not alone, but it took how long to get what i had? and now your saying to do it again in a matter of merely a month or so? for one, i dont move quickly, and two, this implication would require meeting people. the most likely place being school. but i happen to sit in the back, or when im feeling friendly, i sit in the middle, and then it just so happens that theres a total void of people around where ever i chose to sit. probably my own fault for being so anti-social. right now, im excited that ashleighs talking to me again. but i express this joy toward her, and she feels smothered, she feels we've gotten no where. so its up to me to take yet another hiatus and just sit back and chill.. wait for her to come to me.. although this is equally unnerving because this phenomena has yet to ever occur in our whole relationship. true i have called often enough at certain points to not make it necessary for her to call me. this may not sound like im over her. but i assure you i am. i want nothing more for her than to be happy with some other NICE guy that will treat her well. unfortunately her track record isnt that well... i think thats how chix can handle non-commital... they hook up with these rat-bastards, and then when need be, they have justification for leaving them.. ashleighs mom gave another reason, but i forgot. it seemed plausible, and it made me think, oh yeah. that makes sense...
anyway. so those who are highly observant might have noticed that i edited the shit out of my blog today. its cuz keith asked me to send him this site so he could see "ode to disco stu"... i freaked out and deleted all my bitchings directed toward him. and yeah. keith, if you are reading this, i was upset that you just decided to leave me hanging.. but i think im over it now and will probably enjoy my time at my parents place downstairs for however long that might be... i think a change of scenery can be good. i was also pissed that you flagrantly kissed yer wo-man in my doorway.. hey funboys. get a room. i dont need to see that. and you shouldnt do it were i cant hide from it, so BLAH!
anyway. back to ashleigh.. weekends i find are the hardest. even when i do work, theres still so much time thats not occupied... and i want to do something with her, but shes not ready. im getting better. im getting out. i have other friends that i spend time with. im doing fine. i think the outcome of our friendship is at its zenith. it could go either way. depending on my actions and her reactions.
i believe its up to me. she doesnt want to see me once a day, or even talk to me once a day. its smothering. its giving the wrong impression. its not good right now.
wait.