ya know, i dont know what it is, but it seems like lately, with people, its like they've just finally gotten to the end of their rope with me, and have given up on putting up with me. and whats the shitty part, is that i see it coming from all directions.. its not just one group of friends that interact with each other, but several. maybe i've just been in this funk because of ashleigh. but dammit. i keep telling myself that im ok, that im over here. (which, sincerely, i think i am) but then it comes down to the point that she doesnt want anything to do with me anymore... see what i think is that our "interaction" was beyond a relationship.. i mean it got to points where it was just me sitting next to her wondering how i could end her pain.. being by her side.. did just that help? apparently not. i mean, i dont know if i consider myself to be selfish, and i dont know if what i say is to be justified as selfish, but i was with her during a really low point in her life. and i helped her through it... im not saying it was me that brought her out of this depression and sickness, but i think my presence and influence did have some adverse effect... and when i finally realize that its just this wonderful, great friendship that we have that i tried to manifest as a relationship, shes done with trying to put me down nicely and is willing to cut off all ties so she wont have to deal with me anymore.
which brings me to another point.. lately i've been starting to form and state opinions. this is usually not my character. but now that i have, it seems that i upset people. letting ashleigh know that what she's doing is going to hurt her in the long run.. i know people dont want to be told that what theyre doing is wrong, but shouldnt they look at where the advice is coming from? from someone who cares and is only looking out for their best interest? shit! if that wasnt what i was doing, why did i let her drag me through the shit that she was living in? i dunno. her parents say that she just isnt mature enough to see what i've done for her. that she might notice it way further down in life.. i think that was just to make me feel better.. HOLY SHIT! ITS TAX DAY! AND MY PARENTS ANNIVERSARY! AND EASTER! HOLY FUCK! maybe this is just how relationships go.. you break up and move on. and im just not willing because i've never experienced anything like it before.. i think the whole circumstances were just fucked to begin with and nothing good could have come from it.. her life is destined to be led somewhere other than here, and i didnt want to see it. shes said some pretty awful things to me, but dont a lot of people tend to exagerate when frustrated or upset? yeah shes shit on me, but i still wish her nothing but a happy life.. shes gone through enough hell already. yesterday i came to this conclusion: yes, i miss her, but i dont long for her.
i want to be her friend, but im afraid as circumstances are, she still sees me as trying to have a relationship. i never got to tell her how i feel, and maybe i never will. its sad. ive herd from a good source that miscommunication sparks most of life's problems.. its true. and with me, miscommunication always follows, probably because this miscommunication starts with not communicating at all. but once i sense a problem, i try to fix it... but i tend to put everything i have into fixing it but when other people dont want to talk about it, the problem grows, and people snap... its not fun. and it starts with because i have an opinion. i hate stating my opinion. especially in large groups. but when i matters i do. but sometimes people dont want to listen or dont want to hear that what theyre doing is hurtful to them or others, because then if they dont hear it, its ok to do. i say something because i dont want to see them get hurt. then i get the short end of the stick. but i guess dont true friends do whatevers best for the other friend no matter the cost? .. hopefully.
you know what i found out as the best thing? i go visit california, all my wesmont chums. sure things might change and people might look different, but its like you just go back to two years ago and things had never changed. you remenice (sp?) and build on that.
i hadnt seen lindsay in over two years and it was like nothing had changed. its great... thats what i want with ashleigh. to keep in touch, and maybe not see each other for some time, but when we do, its like no time had passed between us at all.
k. im getting sappy... and i think i've made my point.
one day out of the fucking blue, my dad emailed me with one sentence, it sed travis, keep in touch with your friends.. ironically this came right after ashleigh wanted nothing to do with me. but hes right. friends give you good memories and someone to fall back on.
i dunno.. this is getting too much for me.. im out.