learn by example

let it be known that i smoke the marijuana because president bush has tried it.

i mean shit, i want to be just like the man.

the other day i took some of my fred meyer minions on over to safeway.
we heard they had some new WMDs (Wonderful Merchandise Displays), so we wanted to check it out. ya know, keep up on the competition.

but we got stopped at the door. they wouldn't allow us in to check them out.
why not? we KNOW they're in there!

so we did what any rational mob of rejected employees would do, we stormed their gas station. it was so easy to take over the one-man manned station.
once we had the station, we took the captured safeway employee, put him in a fred meyer uniform to humiliate him and took pictures of us all pointing and laughing at his demise.

so if they were going to be asses about things, so were we. without any previous aforethought, we decided we'd do ourselves and our customers a favor,
we slapped up a "Mission Accomplished" banner
"Fred Meyer Now Sells Gas!"

what a brilliant idea!
we all rejoiced.
we'll show them.

feeling more malicious, we then proceeded to the safeway sign. you know, that big red "S". it was mocking us. so we got some rope, tangled it around that bitch, and heaved it to the ground. damn were we badasses.

little did we realize that word would get out to the main store that shit was going down, and this time we were the ones under attack. yet it seemed so harmless at first.

toilet paper and paper towels were tossed in our general direction.
what, were these safeway guys crazy? what were we going to do with these soft towel rolls, wrap them around our heads and shout incoherent babblings? seems like something those crazed safeway bastards would do.
we tossed them back...

day turned to night. the altercation persisted.
you know what sucks about safeway? it's open 24 hours.
people we didn't even think about started coming out of the wood-work.
the night crew.
and these guys were more vicious.
apparently getting paid jack shit and having nothing better to do makes one willing to do almost anything.

they started in with the produce.
tomatoes whizzing by our heads, it turned into a messy affair.
then came the apples. ouch. those sting. i can see oranges, but apples?
cantaloupes they tried to get to us, but they just didn't have the technology.
they were too far away to reach us.
maybe if they were the "one-stop shop" then they would have had the necessary weaponry to pummel us. but they aren't. HA!

so using what they had, they went for the spaghetti-o's.
oh, those bastards! that's definitely not playing fair.
what a bloody mess. thick, red, pasty ooze splattered all over our newly conquered station.
a horrific sight, i tell you. i don't wish that image on my worst enemy.

morning came and the canned goods were no longer being lobbed.
they must be out. thank god.
the safeway employees were tired. my fred meyer crew was tired and we had to rush off to work in about a half hour, so we came to an agreement:

how bout we give you your gas station back, but we get to buy the gas for even cheaper than you're selling it now, but just us fred meyer employees, ok?

deal.
well. actually it didn't go down that easily. we had to extricate the store director and replace him with one who was a bit more understanding to our needs and wishes.

but now fred meyer employees get gas for cheap.
thanks george bush for paving the way.
if i didn't follow your lead like i did with the marijuana smoking,
the fred meyer gang would still be paying full price for its gas.
so on behalf of our company, we'd like to thank you.

but wait. wasn't it WMDs we started fighting for?
oh well. everyone's happy now right?
that's all that matters.

wait again!
what does this story have to do with bush?