a little step away from reality.

im being bold. im being straight-forward.
its akward, but its who i want to be.

what am i trying to prove?
whats the motive?

im still confused.
still shocked.

what am i getting into?
will this be any good?

if i look from the outside in, would i want to beat my ass?
am i just as shat as the other poor bastards i look down on, wondering how they let things go as they do?
im no better. its just not happening to me at this point, so i'll say what i think is best, but if it were me, then id do what i think i wanted the best. see?

dont you want to see whats out there?
yeh. but this i know was good.
but remember what happened?
oh shit, yeh. that suct.

think. why do you see shit now that you didnt then?
blind to the truth.
it all seems fake.

travis. travis. travis.
i hate using my name.
i hate using other peoples names as a title other than reference.
whats my deal?

i feel like more of a humanitarian when i get into deep convos with people.
am i really? or am i just trying to convince myself that im upstaging them?
thats one of those things that you can never really truthfully answer about yourself.
can anyone else? maybe. but how do you know you've let them see the true you?
beside. you have different "you's" for everyone you interact with.
you take it from social classes: work, school, peers, parents... then you break it down to every individual, and youre always a different person. you try to fit in. you try to act in accordance with what might make these people feel their most comfortable and also to keep yourself from being an outkast.

what the hell am i doing.
i feel booted, but i havent been like that since she showed up that night.
i do feel almost out of body. maybe its just a seemingly unrealistic occurance that just passed.
i thought the days of talking to her were over.
there was that whole time that i couldnt talk to her. it was forbidden, it was impossible, and now its as simple as,
"hey, whats up?"
holy fuckholy buh-geezus!!
its a brain fuck. it takes all you knew and shakes it up. its so surreal. it was put in my head that it couldnt and wouldnt happen again. yet. there i was. talking and talking. and she was right back there responding.
but what was up with the "me me me me" shit.
does she not give a fuck about anyone else?
will i be used again?
goddamn searching for truth.... for motives.
is there an answer to everything?
i really like to look for them.
im as anal with that as air is with keeping the kitchen clean.
everyone and their vices....
something long oppressed from years back?
is this where the idea of reincarnation comes from?
souls being passed along. long ago situations being shown through fears and pet peeves.

now youre just showing off, you asshole.
go read your damn book.

she doesnt know the power she has.
or does she?........
shit.