i need somewhere to go.
i need to think. think about what?
think about ashleigh.
shes back. with a new twist.
still the same headfuck.

what do i do.
she wants back.
i dont think its anything but trouble.
she hurt me so bad. really bad.
you remember, dont you?

she initiated an email. thats not her style.
she needed a friend.
i was there before.... i was always there before.
til she didnt need me, and she did everything in her power to get me away.
and now she wants my comfort again?
again..... for the third time.
two times of hurt. three times of comfort?
think think think think think.
think it through.
do you need this.
you want someone to share life with.
you could maybe have it.
but is there a severe cost?

im looking for answers, with no one to turn to.
well, i cant say no one. i had a really good talk last night. homeboys are homeboys for life.
yet chix i feel i can spill more to. cuz theres never that macho bullshit you need to pass all your feelings through.
i used to have lindsay. i used to have ashleigh.
but im chic-less now.
no good chic friend.
bah.
blog. you gaffed piece of chic replacement.
wheres yo titties?
thats all you have to think about that?
you man piece of shit.

i had her trapped in my chair:
why are you here?
a looking for friendship. i sed i'd always be there.....
but what are the motives for coming back?
why are you here?
youre doing this just because you arent going back to school?
you had a BAD day?
why are you here?
so many questions all packed into one.

she needs the comfort to get better..... but at my expense?
im an asshole.... shes a......friend?

6 mos.
6 mos.
came back after 6 mos.
why?
why are you here?
you're getting as annoyed with that question as she was.
but why?
i wish i knew her perspective... but she wont let me. never really did....

ever herd someone call someone out, but then you hear the called out person's side of the story and it seems perfectly logical and sane? yeah. situations make people. how you handle them shows how cool of a person you are.
certain ones make me revert to the ol' "dont tell anyone about it and maybe it will go away".
rarely the brightest idea. but my mainstay and comfortable way out. doesnt usually end up so good, but it pushes away the brunt of the blow until later when youre more prepped for it.

that was kinda off subject.....
........
ive got a lot on my mind.
always.
theres no chic i know right now at this very moment who would care about me as much as i'd care about them.
why the fuck is that?
theyre as afraid of commitment as the stereotypical guy.

im a paranoid pessimist.
its a strange take on the world.

(im workin on those fucking 300 pgs, man)