headache. ak!
boot. whUt!
last night was fucking incredible..
got some riggazi, lost some rigazzi....

hmm... for once im at a loss for words on blogger...
well. i dont really want to comment on the blog wars, but im thinking its subsiding now...
but wanks right, blogging is for yourself, and of course its out there for anyone to critique, but yeah.. attacking the basis of blog?
although matt, dood, this new angle? brutal honesty? i think theres already some out there. your angle isnt very new...
its complaining about shit at work. (?)
alright, im done with that..

yeah, so dan helped me figure out last night that ashleigh has just been really really mean to me... and for what purpose?
i was there for her when no one else but her mom was.. what spells friendship more than sticking with someone through their hardest times? wouldnt you want that friendship? rather than just having someone that would say "i would do anything for you"
but to actually see it in effect? i just dont get it. and why the total lying to make me feel shitty? she hasnt been striaght with me since valentines day... i guess she really really wanted to just leave me and move on with life...
i feel so worthless and used. she had my love. she took it when she needed it. then its like ive been annoying her all along, and she was just trying to be nice because i might get the hint that she just is really annoyed by who i am. but it got to the point where i didnt get the hint, i wanted to be around her still, and she finally snapped... saying all this shit that isnt true to try to push me away... too bad i still want to see her.. am i the stupidest person ever? or just the most desperate? or do i just think that for some reason she'll finally see or ask herself... "what am i doing?"... but im pretty sure i know her, and shes got this thought in her head that she doesnt want to see me anymore, or doesnt need me, so shes bound and determined to make it happen.. no matter if she still likes to have me around or not. its the only real drawback i ever saw in her... shes overly stubborn.
other than that.... she's the best to just hang out with. fuck. and she never wants to talk to me again. she never let me explain myself.... and shit. she never even explained herself!!
its hard to work things out with people like that. its too bad. really too bad. we had so much fun together.
butt fuck. what can i do about it? whine and fucking cry? been there already. wont get her back. but i just have to accept the fact that she hates me for who i am and what ive shown to her that is me. that hurts a lot. cuz its not like i deserved to get tossed to the curb. i always put her ahead of me. fucking pedestals. maegan still talks to me. its not like im an ass, its not like i've changed in any way. theres just something about me that she cant stand to be around? i'll never know. but shes gone to lengths to make me feel like shit. thats not cool. ya know? sure she was understanding in the beginning, but shit? did it require those means? dont lie and say horrible things just to berate the other person, to make them feel like shit. brutal honesty would probably hurt a lot more.. unless there was no real reason for letting me go. wtf? it took me a while, but i accepted the idea of friends. you never gave me a chance. you say, "yes, i know youre just excited to not have seen me in almost a month. and thats why you keep stopping by." but then she just basically says that she doesnt ever want to see me again... she doesnt give me a chance to settle down.. i was so ready to after the weekend.. jesus! weekends are the loneliest times! so much freetime, even with working! why she gotta be like that? now i cant even see her family anymore.. i had to fucking explain to zoe that ashleigh doesnt like seeing me everyday... good thing i didnt have to tell her... well. ashleigh told me to go home and never talk to her again.. what do you think of your big sister? to which zoe would reply by saying "come jump on the trampoline with me!!!"
so yeah. i thought i was the luckiest fuck ever finding her and a family like that. i knew more than just her nuclear family too. her gandma, grandpa, aunts uncles, cousins. her two year old cousin.. lily. so smart. i think she had a crush on me. when her and her parents would leave, they'd say. "who does lily want to kiss?" and lily would choose me over ashleigh ;)
i dont know why little kids are attracted to me. or maybe its just a baby thing and i havent seen it with anyone else... but they always fucking smile when they see me.. or at the airport, or on the bus.. they'll be waving their hands in the air so they can stay on their little chubby legs, and then they'll tap me on the shoulder... what the hell? its like i cant get away from it. whatever.
its not that i dont mind. its just weird. and with dogs.. like stu. he tries to rape me... he loves me. why does he only play growl around me? oh yeah. im his bitch. shit.
well.. shit. long ass blog. i thought i had nothing to say. maybe i actually didnt say much anyway. whatever. i dont give a damn. i feel a bit better after writing this.
oh yeah.. one more thing....
beefamato.