if you share the past, it definately comes back to get you.
keep it to yourself.

everyone else has learned this.
its life lesson #2

i wont tell what life lesson #1 is,
cuz i learned that in the past.

i always considered being open as a sign of trust.
but. people get offended by the truth.
i guess thats the whole idea behind the 'white lie'.

sometimes. i wish that the meaning behind what i have sed is taken rather than the idea.
example:
(im not bashing the dude, but this is just how it is)
i was telling air about how this chic was telling a .... wait.
i cant tell this story. people might get upset.
shit.
well. i wish i could share the story, but the happenings override my ability to share.
my bad.
i really wish i could.
maybe i can conseal it. lemme think for a bit.

no. sorry, cant. the main ideas would give it away too easily.

this blog used to be my friend.
people i knew and dont know could read it.
no harm.
no one would bother to question except mainly via their own blog.
perfectly fine.

now. my flow of thoughts are impeded.
i have to be careful of what i say.
people take things wrong, get offended, other various not happy feelings.

sometimes i wish i would just have a personal journal.
i guess i could just do that here and never post anywhere.

cuz. sometimes its not even feelings/emotions that i'll get called out for,
but outlandish ideas, i.e. black people and their swimming capabilities.
although.... its rightly justified.
but. sometimes i think that outlandish ideas if properly supported can prove to be true.
....or at least, not false.
how else do you make progress? trying different ideas....
most often, insight comes to the altered mind.
think about it.
artist/writers/scientists: eccentric/crazy/druggies...
oh. and theres those smart fuckers too.
cant leave them out.

i got off base, but. thats just the flow of things.
usually, unless provoked, i keep my ideas to myself.
i wait until i feel comfortable enough to expell these crazy thoughts.

but. how do other people learn? how do they better themselves?
through learning. well. why dont i share?
im an un-alrtuistic bastard.

oh wait. what am i doing now?
meh. not like anyone but a select handful are reading this.
and by now its just skimming.

its all about the learning.
and exploiting those newly developed skills/ideas.
bleh.
way off now.

i think i... share more when im hurt.
cuz really... pain is a much more... prominent sensation than happiness.

bliss is best left alone how it is.
unknown of the shit going on around it.
ignorant with blank, lifeless stare.

but no.
to feel real emotion. one will look to pain.
its so sharp and alusive toward death.

bleh. im not going to explain myself there.
more of that outlandish shit....

right now. i want school to be over. i want to have the ability to make things better.
when things are important, i know what i want.
otherwise. i go with the flow.
i know that'll be taken wrongly. but.
fuck it. what can i do?

its 5:33 in the morning, and im not tired.
its my own fault. i slept til 7:30
pm.

i need something to get me out of this.
i think i have just the thing.
but. its not my willingness that decides it.
is it bad to need something?
co-use.