i went to go get my second to last pay check today.
im thinking i should have waited til i could have collected them both.
i think being there, finally let it hit me.
i went over to the desk.
asked for my paycheck.
retired my 700 and 600 club certificates that were on the walls.
they happened to be in the middle of others, so now theres a void where i used to be.
up until then i was polite, nice to the two bosses there.
but. she gave me my check and it had an additional paper stuck to it. telling probably of a PACE meeting they were going to have.
i got the check, ripped off that paper and just kinda threw it back on their desk.
i couldnt help it.
i hated those fucking flyers anyway. they never had anything good on them.

so. as for the people who were there when i went, there was only one there that influenced me enough for me to say goodbye to.
shes a black mid-thirtys mom. we're always teasing each other about who gets to go home earlier.
right before i got that fucking sandwich, she was at the coffee stand telling me how she was just getting off.
so. i told her i was fired.
and she didnt quite believe me at first. (who would)
but then she got a face that looked like she might cry, or just miss me a lot.
she told me that if i needed extra money that in the end of march she has some work she needs done with the house.
so she gave me her #. i might look into it.

so. then i went back to the back room to look for my head boss.
he was out for the day.
i wanted to look at that waiver i had signed to see if the clause that i had broken would only matter if i was on the clock.
i doubt it would, but i just wanted to convince myself.
so. he wasnt there.

i want excuses.
i want for that paper to say "...while on the clock"
i want those fuckers who left their checkstand illegally unattended while unsecured to get reprimanded for letting this happen.
i want ...to have a job. that job.

it finally hits me.
as im leaving.
im in that state of..... not caring.
what does it matter...
thank god it didnt hit til the weekend.
i have a few days to recover.
i never really knew before why some people would want to drink themselves into oblivion.
i also associated drinking with good times.
but. it is an escape.
you lose focus.

so. my bad if im extremely bitter after this.
i know ive already been somewhat of a bitch.
good god.
only a month til i leave.
why dont i have any alcohol!?